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Sep 05, 2023

The HR Circus: Where perfect resumes go to disappear

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Over the last few weekends, I embarked on a wild journey: the job hunt. Armed with a stack of perfectly tailored resumes, a hopeful heart, and a cat that gave me the stink-eye every time I pressed "Apply," I dived headfirst into the corporate sea. And let me tell you, folks, it's been quite the spectacle. 

All these big companies with fancy logos and even fancier slogans lured me in with promises of empathetic values, open-mindedness, and diverse cultures. It was like a dating profile for my career - swipe right for a job you love. But little did I know, this was no Tinder adventure. 

I meticulously crafted 15 CVs, each designed to fit the specific profile the company was seeking. I wanted to be their dream candidate. I even contemplated adding "professional dog walker" to my resume to prove I could multitask. But alas, the HR black hole awaited me. 

Twelve companies, that's right, a dozen of them, sent me polite rejection emails with lines like, "We regret to inform you..." and "Please reply if you wish to hear more." Well, guess what? I wanted to hear less, and the chances of me replying were as slim as a USB plug fitting on the first try. 

Then, the two companies decided to put me through the wringer. They gave me tasks so menial that even a caffeinated squirrel could efficiently complete them. I half-expected one of the tasks to involve counting grains of sand on a beach. Did they really think these tasks would showcase my brilliance? 

Just when I thought my adventure couldn't get more bizarre, the CEO of one company decided to call me. I was stunned. Twelve whole minutes on the phone! I was considering recording it as an audiobook. But then, he wanted to meet for an interview and promised to send a message confirming the meeting. Lo and behold, the news never came, and I was left hanging like a sad piñata at a party. 

The people and culture departments in companies today have a tough gig. They preach empathy and diversity, but it often feels like they're reading from a script. And the weirdest part? How do they manage to miss the perfect resumes? 

It's baffling how someone qualified and competent doesn't even get a foot in the door for an interview. If I were a cat, I'd be scratching my head in confusion now. It's like going to a restaurant, ordering a steak, and being served a salad without dressing. 

People today know they're replaceable, and it's the job of HR to make them feel otherwise. Sometimes, we need a reality distortion field like Steve Jobs' to tackle the glaring challenges HR faces internally regarding their own sense of incompetence. They may need to start treating candidates like the gems they are. 

In conclusion, millennials and Gen Z can survive on avocados and meagre pay, but they won't stand for nonsense. HR, please, don't be the nonsense. Treat them right, give them a chance, and maybe they'll join and stick around. And if you don't, they've got plenty of avocados to keep us company. 

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